I made a very difficult decision about a patient a couple weeks ago. After I made the call, I just sat there reflecting on how I handled it. I was harsh. I still think it was the right thing to do, but I did not add much empathic statements like I always do. All I could think of was: burnout, wellness, self-care. I used to think these words meant nothing. A bunch of empty terms used by administration to justify useless lectures about sleeping better. But I realized then that I was feeling the signs of burnout. I was starting not to care. And I usually care so much. Like too much. I knew I had to do something. I did not want a repeat of residency where I felt like I no longer cared about the way I explained myself to patients.
I started therapy this week. I don’t know how I feel about it yet. I still feel like I am putting up a front, but maybe that’s natural. One thing I do notice is that I appreciate so much that my therapist has a warm demeanor. It is really everything when you are vulnerable.
I also started dancing again. I used to love dance. I would spend hours watchjng dance videos and learning the choreography. So as part of trying to be actively well, I decided to take a dance class. Good thing is I actually went. Bad thing is it was a ridiculously hard class that was not an appropriate reintroduction to dance after 4-5 years of inactivity. But I’m proud of myself for going and trying.
Anyway, I am still here. Trying to learn how to get kids to open up to me, and how to get parents to trust me. Some days suck, other days I feel like a hero. But most of the time I wonder about how we can make this world a little better for kids because it is so darn mean. I also think about how to set proper boundaries in my personal and professional life. That is the secret nobody tells you, because it sounds ”selfish.” But you can’t have empathy for others if you are not fighting for what you need. I say fight because it is a struggle. It is so easy to lay around in bed all weekend. But I am trying to be mindful of the limited time I have, and living life to the fullest. Clap for cliches because hey, they’re usually true.
The Good Enough Psychiatrist 
Hi, thought I would reply to this as soon as I saw it, since hitting the like button would seem ambiguous. A Univ of Iowa clinical psychologist posted a nice article you might consider reading, “Living with Ambiguity: A ‘Blursed Existence?” And you could read my old article on the Gold Foundation website “How I left the walking dead for the walking dead meditation.” You can also find it on my blog; see post “Mindfully Retiring from Psychiatry.” I hope this helps. Hang in there.
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Hi Dr. Amos, I really liked your article on The Gold Foundation website. I could relate to every sentence. I am definitely trying to be mindful, but it is hard given we’re so trained to think next steps in our jobs. I do feel hopeful that I’ll get better at being mindful, kind of like building muscle. And funny how the “like” button became so ambiguous! Thank you so much for your advice!
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